Married and Gay: How I came out at 32

Okay. I am going to be vulnerable here and share my story with the masses. I think it is important to share, be vulnerable and authentic when we have the privilege to do so. From my position as a therapist, I also want to use this important lens to reach out and connect with others who might be experiencing something similar.

You might be reading this title thinking “What on earth is she talking about?” or “OMG me too”. Regardless, it’s something that has been becoming more prevalent in this society and it is something I found myself contemplating in mid-2020. It’s the middle of the pandemic and I am very pregnant. I have a gorgeous little family that is about to be complete , life really seems to be coming together and I have everything I am SUPPOSED to want.

I vividly remember walking down the stairs and having an epiphany of sorts. It was like the clouds parted and somehow things made sense in my head. I remember the thought of “OMG I like women” clear as day in my brain. Those who know me know I am a very fast processor. I had no doubt that this thought was a clear knowing to me.

 I am going to back up and share that I have always been attracted to women. I have thought they are beautiful both physically and emotionally, I have had sexual thoughts and attraction to women throughout my life. You might be thinking what on earth could have been wrong with me that I didn’t put those things together until the age of 32. That is for another blog I will be doing on compulsory heterosexuality, but I promise you it was just as confusing for me. I definitely would have told people without a shadow of doubt that I was straight.

I initially came out as bisexual. I really thought that might be a fit for me. I had a loving husband and this was just something about me that I could figure out how to explore and be an authentic human. This was a nicely packaged thought, and I so wanted it to be true. For 2 weeks I was on top of the world and so excited to explore my authentic self. Very soon, I began asking myself the question, was I a lesbian? I had panic attacks, I was googling “ Am I a lesbian”? and just searching for answers anywhere. I literally thought I might break the internet in those first few months. Side note: google cannot tell you if you are gay- BUT I did find a lot of ways to help process those thoughts.

I came across many different supports during this journey. Facebook groups, TikTok, an online support group that I joined, articles. I was overwhelmed with the amount of people out there who were experiencing this same exact thing. I thought I must be completely alone in this. The reality is quite the opposite and I owe so much gratitude to the amazing people I met and was able to confide in. These women truly saved me in so many ways.

I told my husband I thought I might be a lesbian versus bisexual. This caused for some very tumultuous and difficult times in our then 6-year marriage. I spent most of this year in constant turmoil and fear. Should I go live and be my authentic self? Should I just live my straight life? I have everything I need, why am I so unhappy? These were questions that were on my mind every second of the day. I would try to shut them off. I remember one time just saying to myself “No. You are just going to live with your family, live a straight life, it’s going to be easy”. That lasted about 12 hours before that little voice came back.

The voices in my head got louder and louder, as did my knowing about who I was. I wish there was an answer of what finally told me “It’s time” but there isn’t. I just had a strong sense of knowing that I had to do this. I had to give myself the opportunity to be myself in a way I had never experienced. I told my husband I wanted to separate. Those were the hardest words that ever came out of my mouth. I still can feel those feelings when I think about it.

It's been over a year since then, and I have been living on my own for nearly a year as well. It is HARD. My financial security is nonexistent, I have to go without creature comforts at times, I feel sad sometimes…AND I am the happiest I have ever been. I get to be the most authentic version of me in all aspects of my life. With my girlfriend. With my work. It is so unbelievably freeing. I am free.

I wish that I had been able to recognize this earlier in my life. I thank my husband for giving me such a safe space for my nervous system to feel safe enough to be who I am and explore that. I know this has not been easy for any of us. Life isn’t easy for anyone. Nobody gets to escape that.

I am hoping to be able to connect other women going through this. There is so much support here. I am now offering a support group as it was so crucial to my journey that I want to give that back. The opportunity for freedom. For authenticity. I was married and gay. Now I am me.